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Discipline without Punishment or Reward

Written by Stephanie Arai-Davies and published in Juno Magazine 2006

 
There is much current debate around the thorny issue of 'discipline', both within the home and at school. Children lack 'respect', parents are afraid to impose 'boundaries' and young people's behaviour is out of control. The typical response is to 'get tough', set limits, impose tougher penalties. We have been too 'permissive' and the answer is to return to 'authoritarian' methods. The pendulum swings back and forth between these two methods as if there is no other answer to the problem.

Let's suppose for a moment that both approaches are ineffective; let's view them in fact as the same model, just turned around. For the authoritarian model advocates control, punishment, threats, in order that the adult imposes on the child - the adult wins, the child loses. The permissive model, on the other hand, imposes no restrictions on behaviour - the child wins, the adult loses.

I'm going to suggest that the real issue of discipline and behaviour is a matter of communication, and that the challenge facing parents and teachers is one of fostering a culture of co-operation.

Let's explore this concept a little more closely. Co-operation says 'we're on the same team', 'we can solve our conflicts together', 'we respect each other's needs'. Imagine a child brought up with these values lived out day to day in the way that adults communicate with them! No need for any punishments or rewards in a culture which promotes co-operation in the way that we live together. In fact, the use of punishment and reward can foster the very behaviour we want to discourage.

The use of punishment teaches a child that might is right; that the way to resolve conflict is to use power to frighten, threaten, shame or intimidate. The language used by the authoritarian parent or teacher typically uses threat in order to frighten a child into submission:

-Get these toys cleared up now or they go in the bin!

We can see this kind of language reflected every day in the playground:

-Give me a sweet or I won't be your friend!

As well as being disastrous as a model to children, threats and punishment can undermine a child's sense of self-worth, and leave them vulnerable to bullies wherever they meet them in their lives. Do we really want to teach our children to obey anyone who threatens or manipulates them?

The use of reward and praise encourages a child to become dependent on extrinsic rewards for their behaviour, in place of developing an inner 'moral compass'. Rewards take away the satisfaction of a helpful or considerate act in its own right, and discourage the growth of conscience, as a child learns that there is no reason to behave well unless there is some gain. Again, do we want our child to learn to base their behaviour on the promise of external reward - 'take these drugs and you can be in our gang!'

A punishment and reward system can create the very behaviours we seek to control.

So what can we do to nurture the qualities that we do want in our children?

It's helpful here to bear in mind an overall principle to guide us: that we treat our children with respect in order that they learn to respect themselves, and we treat ourselves with respect in order that our children learn to respect others.

The punishment and reward system carries little true authority. Its justice is based on judgement and blame of the child as being the problem. This belief is tied up with a lack of assertiveness regarding the legitimate needs of the adult. We are afraid to directly own and assert our own needs, so we put the problem outside ourselves and blame the child.

To be in our true authority as adults, we need to view difficult behaviours as simply the child's attempt to meet his needs - as we did so naturally when our children were babies. The behaviour creates a conflict of needs between adult and child, and it is our job to assert our needs, not blame the child.

Here is the true issue regarding 'boundaries'; adults need them, not children! In other words, rather than something that we 'impose' on our children, boundaries are what we need to be aware of in ourselves, and express clearly and directly to our children.

It is by being made aware of the boundaries of others that children can learn to modify their behaviour appropriately.

   

So we need to change our communication from the blaming language of 'you are the problem' to the assertive language of 'I have a problem'. If children are to willingly change their behaviour and become co-operative, they need clear information about the behaviour, the effect on you, and how you feel about it. For instance, in the example used above, a clear message may be:

When you leave your toys all over the floor (the behaviour)

I end up having to put them away (the effect on you) and that makes me feel tired/frustrated/resentful (your feeling)

Compare this message with the threatening response: 'Get these toys put away now or they go in the bin', which contains no useful information on which the child can choose to base his behaviour.

When we 'own' our problems and assert our needs using 'I-language' rather than 'You-language', our children are far more likely to want to help us, and this kind of communication helps to build stronger relationships, instead of damaging them.

Of course, the willingness of children to listen to us depends on the overall quality of our relationship with them, and specifically our willingness to listen to them when they have a problem. Again, we did this so naturally when our children were pre-verbal, when we interpreted our baby's cries and reflected back to them our understanding, without any judgement:

-you're feeling a bit grumpy.? You want a cuddle.?

Somehow we lose this skill as they grow older and become verbal, at which point we start judging, fixing, or blaming:

-Don't be silly, of course your friends like you! Why don't you try being a bit less bossy and then they might want to play with you.

If we can regain the skill of listening and reflecting back without judgement ('you're feeling a bit sad.? You don't feel you're very popular at the moment.?'), we not only help a child 'sound off', process feelings, and move towards a solution, but we also communicate trust in our child, and respect and acceptance of their feelings. A child listened to in this way is far more likely to listen to us and respect our needs.

I-language is also effective in place of reward when our child behaves in ways which please us. Acknowledgement and appreciation help to develop a child's inner confidence and judgement rather than creating dependency. For example:

-I really appreciated your help today in looking after your brother. It meant I could get all my jobs done. Thank you!

Again, this message contains a lot of information which is relevant to a child in order to build a positive picture of himself. When we appreciate, rather than give an evaluation of the child (for example 'what a helpful boy!') we provide the child with feedback which allows him to evaluate himself (After an appreciative message, the child's feeling may be 'I'm very helpful!') and thus we help a child feel good about himself inside, rather than becoming dependent on the outside praise of adults. A child who builds up his own positive evaluations within is more likely to continue to want to behave well when we are not around.

So it is our day to day language which builds a mutually respectful relationship; and these communication skills, and the principles behind them, are the basic building blocks upon which a school (or family) may develop further strategies for managing conflict. For example, what if a child's behaviour is interfering with the needs of the whole group, whether a family or a classroom? I-language confrontation may not be enough, and there are times when the removal of the child is the only option in order to protect the whole group. Extreme situations may require us to be more pro-active in our insistence upon respect for others, but we can choose whether we make this experience a 'punishment'

Where the child feels shamed and excluded, or help the child to feel a valued member of the group, willing to modify their behaviour in order to be included. We can do this by again giving clear information about our expectations of behaviour, clear messages of trust, and by stating directly our desire to have the child in the group. If our messages are ones of 'inclusion' rather than 'exclusion', we nurture the child's sense of 'belonging', and therefore motivation to behave in an acceptable way within the group.

However challenging the situation, once we commit to basing our relationship on co-operation rather than punishment and reward, we can search for new creative answers to old problems of behaviour and discipline.

In homes and schools it is possible to nurture true co-operation and self-discipline in our children simply through the way we talk and the way we listen, based on the principle of respect for self and respect for others. And incidentally, we are teaching our children respectful and peaceful communication and problem-solving skills for life!