'When I used to run down to the school in the morning I used to feel I was coming to my second hone. It felt like a big family'
Rose, ex-pupil
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Helping your Child with Behaviour Issues at School

written by Stephanie Davies-Arai (parent and education consultant) and published in ABC magazine.

Top tips for helping your child to improve his behaviour and feel happier at school.

 
Ever had a note home about your child's disruptive behaviour in class? Or heard rumours in the playground that your child is bullying other children? These are difficult issues, which may be very upsetting for parents to hear. In this article, I am going to demonstrate the most effective ways you can support your child to behave appropriately at school, by the way you talk and listen to him at home.

A parent may first need to take a conscious step back and separate themselves from their child's issues in order to view the problem objectively, and be able to help the child most effectively.

Tip: when we are emotionally over-identified with our child's issues we lose our perspective and our feelings cloud our judgement

Our beliefs and values may fly out of the window if we react to defend our child by making excuses for their behaviour, when what they most need from us is effective guidance, by which I mean that we parents need to be able to influence our child positively. And in order to do this, we need to be clear with ourselves about our values.

A child feels more secure and happy if the most significant adults in his life, parents and teachers, are giving the same unequivocal message and have the same expectations of his behaviour. This gives the child a feeling of safety; a sense of being 'held' by both sets of adults. So be clear with yourself: is it important to keep to the school rules? To always treat others with respect? To allow other children to learn? To not hurt others? When we are clear ourselves about our values, then we can pass them on to our children with directness and certainty. In order to do this, it is helpful to view the behaviour and the motivation for the behaviour as two separate things. For example:

Feeling bored in class (the motivation) does not justify disrupting the class (the behaviour) Feeling annoyed by something a child says (the motivation) does not excuse hitting the child (the behaviour)

If we are clear about our values regarding behaviour, then we are more likely to give our child consistent clear messages; getting hooked in to our child's feelings (which may be very strong) can confuse our messages and confuse our child.

It may be that, covertly or overtly, we admire or condone our child's behaviour; for example, a father may see a disruptive son as being 'a bit cheeky - chip off the old block!' Or a mother may secretly be proud of her daughter's 'assertive' behaviour. If we carry such beliefs, whether spoken or not, the child will pick them up, and may feel compelled to repeat the unacceptable behaviour out of an unconscious desire to please the parent. This can leave children feeling confused and unhappy.

It helps to remember that our goal behind the way we handle a situation like this is to help our child to behave appropriately at school, in order to enjoy and get the most out of their education.

Tip: A child who behaves reasonably well at school tends to be happier , feel safer, and learn better than a child who behaves badly.

   

With this goal in mind, our most effective way to help our children is one which combines empathy and understanding towards the problems they face, together with clear guidance about their behaviour:

1. Listen to your child. Acknowledge facts and feelings without judgement:

  • You were sent outside and you felt that was unfair.?
  • You felt really angry and hurt when she said you were stupid.?
  • You felt singled out, because other children were doing it too.?

This listening and acknowledging process is very important; the lack of judgement encourages your child to tell the truth, which may lead them to recognising their own responsibility. At the very least, they feel heard and accepted, and a child who feels heard is more likely to be willing to listen to you.

Tip: A child whose feelings are accepted is more able to accept directions about their behaviour

2. Show understanding of your child's situation, and communicate your value without ambiguity:

  • It can be frustrating when a lesson is boring to you, but it's not O.K. to disrupt the lesson for other children.
  • It can hurt our feelings if someone teases us, but it is never O.K. to hurt another child.
  • It can be tempting to join in when other children are doing it, but it's not alright to behave like that in class.
  • Sometimes it can be annoying the way the teacher talks to you, but it's not acceptable to answer back.

If we put ourselves in our child's shoes, we can understand on a human level some of the difficulties they face, and expressing this genuinely helps our child to understand that they are not bad or wrong to have these feelings; however it is important not to use this as an excuse to justify unacceptable behaviour.

Tip: Accept the feeling; don't accept the behaviour

4. Move your child towards solution or reparation:

  • So what could you do to deal with that situation next time?
  • What could you do to put this right?
  • How can you make up for your behaviour?

We may need to help them with suggestions ('saying sorry often makes people feel better.'); however, giving children the chance to think of their own ideas is very confidence- boosting, as well as encouraging responsibility.

Tip: Helping our child towards solutions empowers them to feel that they can put right the mistakes they make.

5. And finally, for a child whose behaviour is persistently disruptive, or aggressive, it may be necessary to give a strong message of expectation or trust.

  • In future I expect you to not to hurt anyone.
  • I expect you to behave considerately in class from now on.
  • I trust you to behave in the same way at school as we behave at home.

Messages of clear expectation carry far more influence than threats, as we are expressing a strong message of trust in the child to behave appropriately without the threat of punishment.

Tip: A child who feels trusted is likely to want to repay that trust.

And finally, a parent who unequivocally supports the school's code of behaviour will gain such appreciation from the teacher that they are likely to look more favourably on your child - and what better help can we give our children than that!